Sadly, a lot of people picture themselves as being mean or hurtful when they say “no” to something. However, the truth is that we must be able to say “no” sometimes. The inability to do so has consequences. It may mean over-committing yourself, agreeing to do things that you don’t feel comfortable doing or even breaking promises to others. All of these consequences trigger stress and anxiety. In reality, saying “no” is a necessary life skill. If you (or someone you know) have the reputation of saying “yes” to literally everything that’s asked of you/them, here are some helpful tips:
Know the Difference Between Hurt and Harm
One reason some people have trouble saying “no” is that they don’t want to hurt others. You can’t avoid hurting other people at times, and just because they get hurt, it doesn’t mean that you were in the wrong. Here are some examples:
- Saying no to your child who asks for candy before dinner. The child cries and feels hurt because they don’t get what they want. However, if you give in, your child may not eat dinner (which harms them). If your child eats too much candy (because you never say no), they may suffer from cavities and may not get proper nutrition (which harms them).
- You volunteer at your school’s PTA. The President (who is your friend) asks you to head a fundraiser. You are already involved with some projects, you have a job, a spouse, and kids to take care of. You are afraid that if you say “no,” your friend will be hurt and angry at you. While this may be true, what are the consequences of saying “yes?” Will you be able to continue to do a good job on your other projects and at your job? Will you end up breaking promises to your spouse or children? Saying “no” will not harm the PTA President, they will find someone else to do the job. Saying “yes” might hurt your spouse, your kids, or cause you to not be able to fulfill your other commitments.
Saying No Empathetically
None of us likes to be told “no,” because it means we are not getting what we want. However, if someone understands our feelings, it’s a lot easier to hear “no.” Acknowledge the feelings of the person making the request when declining. For example:
“It must be frustrating for you that I cannot pick you up from the airport tomorrow.”
“That’s a great idea and I think you’ll have a lot of success with it. I am sorry that I cannot help you out.”
“I see that you are putting a lot of effort into this project. I just cannot participate at this time.”
Empathy helps people to feel “heard,” and can help them to accept your “no.” However, if you empathize with people’s feelings, you need to be prepared to allow them to have their feelings.
It needs to be okay that your friend is frustrated that they do not have a ride from the airport. They will work through their frustration. If picking them up means that you will be late for work and put your job into jeopardy, you may not so easily find another job!
Don’t Explain
Some people believe that they need to explain a justifiable reason for saying “no.” There are people who will not take your “no” seriously or respect your right to say “no” if these explanations are ongoing. These people will then question any reason that you have for turning them down.
For example: a married man sometimes walks home from work. A co-worker, who appears to be interested in him, offers him a ride home if she knows that he is walking. The man tries to come up with the perfect reason for saying, “no.” However, any reason he gives, this woman counters it. The best thing is for him to say, “I appreciate your offer, but I am going to walk,” and leave it at that.
Conclusion
Learning to say no is a vital skill in maintaining a healthy work-life balance, setting boundaries, and prioritizing your well-being. By understanding your own priorities, being clear and firm, and communicating with empathy, you can gracefully decline requests without damaging relationships. Remember, saying no allows you to say yes to what truly matters, enabling you to lead a more fulfilling and purposeful life. Embrace the power of no and watch your life transform.
Is saying “no” causing stress and anxiety in your life? Therapy can help. Book a free consultation with one of our licensed therapists today.
