Have you noticed that in the past few years, apologies are prevalent in text message conversations? The apologies vary; “I’m so sorry I’ve been so busy,” or “I’m sorry I read your message and thought I replied and I didn’t,” or “I’m so sorry I haven’t gotten back to you sooner.” We expect so much from each other in terms of communication.
Micro-dosing Emotional Intimacy
While smartphones have proven to be invaluable tools, they have also set a precedent that we should be able to reach out to anyone, anywhere, at any time, and expect a timely response. Is this a fair expectation? We know texts and emails are not filling the need for connection we have as human beings. Instead, it is like trying to micro-dose emotional intimacy. Spending an afternoon with a friend or even having a conversation via phone gets us closer to the connectedness we so desire and texting can feel like a chore.
Why are we labeling ourselves as “the worst” for not responding to texts? In reality, texts have become another task to complete rather than a stepping stone to connection. Why are we punishing ourselves for not responding in a perfectly polite and timely way? Is it even realistic to think texting and emailing will bring about emotional closeness? When I think back to the novels I loved as a kid, the characters wrote each other letters. Letters that went into little envelopes with stamps and were mailed with the hope it would reach it’s destination. A letter that you could read and respond to at your convenience. The speed of technology and communicating via smart phone that are metaphorically glued to our hands has created a real sense of urgency which is ultimately harmful.
The Thing About Texting
This is not criticism for people who enjoy texting. Texting can be useful for short questions, trouble shooting, and planning. It’s the offer of a different perspective. However it creates too much access to each other. This access we’ve come to expect limits our down time, our attention span for our own inner world and the pause needed to self-reflect. It’s also giving us more ideals and expectations that are impossible to live up to. Surviving in this specific time period with unprecedented event following unprecedented event is already difficult enough.
So What Can We Do About It?
We can start with giving ourselves and others some grace. You are not a failure / bad person / bad friend / loser because you did not reply to a text fast enough. We can give ourselves and others more realistic expectations around our communication. We can stop ourselves when we begin to tell a story about how our friends secretly hate us because they usually respond in 10 minutes and it’s been 25 minutes. We can have honest conversations with those we love about our capacity to give in this current season of life. Let’s choose to set our own expectations with technology ourselves and our loved ones rather than let technology set them for us.
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