A great deal of our healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviors can be explained by what psychologists call our “attachment style.”
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory was first conceptualized by John Bowlby, a 20th Century Psychoanalyst, when he began to examine how the physical and emotional relationship between caregivers and their children impacts personal development and the ability to form and maintain healthy adult relationships. Securely attached children are likely to feel safe with their parent(s) and can explore the world around them with the confidence that they can return to an available and attuned parent. About 50 to 60% of people have a secure attachment style.
When children are not provided a secure base in early childhood, they generally form an insecure attachment style. Insecurely attached children might be described as having an “anxious,” “avoidant,” “ambivalent,” “dismissive,” or “disorganized” attachment. Often a combination of these descriptions best fits a person, such as “anxious-avoidant.”
We carry the attachment style developed in childhood into our adult romantic relationships. Insecure attachments cause different types of problems in adult romantic relationships based on the type of attachment style that one develops. A person with an anxious attachment style might need a lot of assurance in relationships and could engage in behaviors that might be described as “clingy,” or “needy.” A person with an “avoidant” attachment style may tend to avoid conflict, or may try to avoid getting too attached to a partner at all. You can probably guess what kind of problems a couple might have if one has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant style!
Attachment In Dating
Why might we tend to date people with the same attachment style repeatedly? One theory is that we tend to engage in what is known as “reenactments.” Reenactment is a term Psychologists use to describe when people re-create and relive past trauma in their present lives as a way to resolve those situations. Often this occurs outside of our conscious awareness. Also, it tends not to work and results in repeated and generally unhealthy experiences. The good news is that these early experiences can be resolved and you do not need to continually engage in these reenactments. Read more in depth about reenactments here.
If you have an insecure attachment style, don’t despair. An insecure attachment style in childhood does not necessarily mean that secure attachments cannot be formed in adulthood. Healthy attachments can be formed despite growing up with an insecure attachment style. We call these attachments, “earned secure attachments.” However, like anything else that’s “earned,” there’s work involved. In the case of someone who has grown up with childhood abuse, this attachment work can be arduous. Find out about your personal attachment style here.
If you’re looking to change the patterns in your relationship cycles, schedule your free consultation here.
