Did you know that the first Friday the 13th of the new year is “National Blame Someone Else Day?” For 2023, this happens to fall on today, January 13th. The day was invented by Anne Moeller in 1982 after one morning her alarm clock failed to go off, setting up a string of bad things happening throughout her day.
Regarding National Blame Someone Else Day, Nationaleventscalendar.com advises, “Go lightly into this day. If you don’t want to blame someone, blame something. It’s all in fun.”
Can blaming others or even things for a day really just be “all in fun?”
Joking around and having fun is one thing, but blaming is a behavior that is harmful to all parties involved.
Blame can impact us in various ways:
- Blaming others or ‘determining whose fault it is’ gives the blamer a sense of control. This is true even if the person we are blaming is ourselves. Recently we had a family crisis and during it, my partner left our back gate open. After that, I let our dog out, who proceeded to run away. I blamed myself for not checking the gate. It was a complete accident, but by blaming myself I believed I could have prevented this scary and potentially traumatic event from happening. (We got our dog back unharmed, by the way.)
- Blaming is the discharging of anger. If we are blaming others, we are pushing feelings outward rather than experiencing our own discomfort and pain. According to Brene Brown’s research, “when we blame others, we do not have to be vulnerable and accountable with our own feelings.” For example, it can be easier to say to your partner, “You left the back door unlocked last night,” rather than saying, “I feel scared when I wake up and find the back door was unlocked all night. Can we figure out a way to make sure it gets locked before we go to sleep?”
- Blaming can kill a relationship. Drs. John and Julie Gottman, experts on relationship stability who have conducted 50 years of research on thousands of couples, define what they call “The Four Horsemen of a Relationship.” These are four communication styles that according to the research, are almost guaranteed to end a relationship if they dominate a couples’ communication.
Defensiveness is one of the four horsemen and is a response to criticism (another horseman) or perceived criticism. One the of things we often do when feeling defensive is to blame!
If we blame ourselves, “I am just a lazy, irresponsible person,” it is a conversation stopper with our partner. A statement like that makes it very difficult to have a conversation where you can honestly talk through an issue.
Blaming a circumstance can also stop a conversation, “traffic was so bad, I just couldn’t get there on time,” might really dismiss our partner’s feelings of hurt that “I am so sad you missed me receiving my award at the dinner.”
The Damage Caused
Finally, blaming our partner can really kill vulnerability, accountability, and intimacy. “You kept me from sleeping by being noisy,” tells my partner nothing that is going on with me. “I was so anxious about my big presentation at work today. I already couldn’t sleep, and I could hear every little noise you were making, and just couldn’t relax.” The latter statement is way more vulnerable and likely to elicit empathy from my partner. Blaming, however, kills any chance I have of getting empathy.
So as a Psychologist, I am not a big fan of National Blame Someone Else Day because blaming someone else only not funny, it’s harmful. I’d rather see a “National Let it Go” day. Oh never mind, that already exists! June 23rd 2023!
Do you get into arguments with your partner and blame the other for the problem? You don’t have to stay in that pattern! One of our therapists would be happy to help you work out the kinks in your relationship! Book a free 20-minute consultation with us here.
